Using the Inadequate with Grace

     To say that life is not overwhelming is not even close to the truth. Life is more than overwhelming. To feel as if you are not where you're supposed to be. To feel as if life is not going the way you planned. To feel as if you have messed up your whole life. To feel like you are stuck in the same spots over and over and over. To feel as if you are inadequate. To feel lost because you don't know the plan for your life. To be so confused because you only want to do what God would have you to do. To feel as if you don't deserve love. To feel as if you are behind on your life. To simply not know what is in store. To forget to give the Grace God gives us. To forget we are loved. To know that we are usable. To trust Christ. IT IS OVERWHELMING.

     Lately, I have been struggling with life in general but also inadequacy and not knowing what God has planned for me. We as people tend to compare ourselves to everyone around us, or at least I do. I compare my life to my friends all the time; it's hard not to. I am the only one without a serious relationship, I am the only one who has no idea what I am supposed to do other than serve Christ. I am the only one who doesn't have a career in mind that I am so passionate about. With all of that being said I am having to learn to trust Christ because their lives and their paths are not mine. I am having to learn to be used where I am.

      I strive always to be used in the way God has planned for me, but sometimes (like the past half year) I have struggled with the feeling of not being used how I am supposed to, or feeling very inadequate because of  many reasons... the mistakes I have made, the sins I have committed, people not allowing me to forget who I once was, guilt, shame, etc. That list could go on for miles honestly. But, I have to stop and remember that I am NOT who I once was, I am able to be used by Christ. I am a NEW creation in Him. His Grace for me is far more than I can ever comprehend. He will use me where I am. I only have to be obedient to what He calls me to do. By His Grace I am able to work with the absolute best group of youth students that there is. I was able to apologize to people who I thought would never forgive me. I am able to help plan mission trips with my church. He allows me to be prepared to start bible studies. He can use me if only I let Him. He takes away the feeling of inadequacy. He conquers my fears of not being liked, my fears of not being good enough for others, my fear of leading a group of ladies. He is the conqueror. I just need to be still and be USED where He has me. 

     Where I am does not come as a surprise to Him. He knows my path and I have to learn to trust Him and be patient in Him. (Anyone who knows me knows I am not not patient.) I often feel so lost, not enough, unqualified and lacking in every way but that is not how Christ intends for me to be. He doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the Called.

      As overwhelming as life can be, as much as you can feel lost or like God doesn't have a plan for you; let Him use you where you are. It is tough (especially when people know who you once were) but HE can USE you. I always say "if Christ can change Saul to Paul, then I know He can use me." I have to remind myself of that very often. His Grace is so sufficient and His Mercy is new every day. Which is so beautiful because those two things show how much His love for us is. 

      Grace. To tell you that I have received more grace than anyone would not even touch the truth. I have received more grace than anyone that I know. God has shown me what it is to feel His grace but not only that He has taught me what it is to give it more freely than I ever thought possible. I strive to give it as much as He freely gives it to me. I am not always the best but I do know how much I receive it. I pray He continues to show me His grace, mercy and love more than I can comprehend and I pray He continues to teach me to give all of those more freely than I sometimes do. I pray that over you as well. I pray that whoever reads this knows how much Grace, Mercy and Love God has freely given you and I pray that you strive to give it away. (even when it's hard)

          So, if you are like me, please know that you are not alone in these feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame, being unusable, feeling like you are your past mistakes. You are usable, you are needed, you are so much more than your mistakes, you are not your shame or your guilt. You are enough in Christ. You are NOT inadequate. He will use you if you let Him. I had a friend tell me that not too long ago and it has been sticking in my head. I just need to let Him use me where I am for now. 

     Be used where you are until He moves you elsewhere. 

 Please know if you ever need someone who listens to whatever you have to say I am always an open ear. I will be glad to listen, talk, cry and pray with you. Whatever you may need. 

    

  That's all the rambling I have for now.

     Until Next Time,
  -- The girl who feels inadequate and is trying to be used.

Down but not Defeated

Defeated. That is the word that I have related to most the past 18 days, even more so the past 7 days. 

    When people have asked me how I am doing that is the word I think I should tell them but I reply with "I am doing okay" or "I am doing good" which is the biggest lie I think we as people say. The truth is I am feeling as if I am so far down I can not make my way up. I feel as if I am defeated and I do NOT know how to shake it.

    2020 has been the hardest year yet... we are only 18 days in, that has to say something. This year has felt as if I have been in the ocean during the double red flags. You know, when the ocean is so rough you're not supposed to be in the water because you will most likely drown. That is how it is, I am drowning and I do not know how much longer I can stay up or keep kicking the bottom of the ocean to catch my next breath of air. The waves are way bigger than I am. My body has tried to keep fighting and my mind is telling every ounce of me to give in. So, now we are defeated and drowning. I know that is not the full truth and I have people that support me in all things but sometimes those people don't understand what it's like to feel these things in the mass feelings that I have. 

    Today, I got hit with another wave as I was in T.J.Maxx. I had to do everything I could to make it back to my car and drive home so I could just sit and reflect. I have reflected on being defeated and that is simply not how God intends me to be. He made me to praise Him always and that is what I plan to do. Even though I feel as if I can not keep going and staying afloat I will put my trust in The One who made me.

    As I am in the car driving Elevation Worship's newest songs came on. 

The first song had this verse:

  "In the storm, You are peace

And Your love won't let me go

You have spoken

And I know that it is so

In every season

Your purpose is unchanging

In every moment 

You're working for my good"

The second song had this verse:

"There's power in the mighty name of Jesus

Every war He wages He will win

I'm not backing down from any giant

'Cause I know how this story ends

Yes, I know how this story ends

I'm gonna see a victory

I'm gonna see a victory

For the battle belongs to You, Lord"

   Those songs have been on repeat all day. They hit at just the right time.

     Trials, battles, hardships, tough days (or in my case a tough 2020) will hit like the biggest wave or waves you can imagine. That does not mean you're defeated it just means that you (I) are down and can feel defeated as if there is nothing else that you can do but you (I) can rest and find peace in knowing that God is allowing you and I to go through these trials. Yes, we feel as if we are defeated so that we can rely on Him and He can show us that He is always there. 

     IF I will just give my battles to Him, He will fight them for me. I do believe that I will continue to feel defeated but it will have a better ending than I anticipated. I will continue to keep kicking off of the bottom of the ocean and gasping for my next breath but I will also know Christ is there with me and will not let me fail. He will bring beauty from my hardships and will teach me grace even more than I already know it. 

    But, as for now ya girl feels defeated and I could use your prayers and love. IF you feel this way please know you are not alone and have such a great purpose and I will listen to you, sit with you, walk with you. Whatever you need to feel as if you can keep kicking off of the bottom.

                 

 until next time,

             the girl who feels defeated and is barely kicking the bottom.

It's okay in the valleys just as on the mountain tops

  This is not a normal post coming from me but I just want to be real and vulnerable with you guys.

   First things first, it's okay to not be okay. As humans we want everyone to think we are doing good, we want others to have this idea that we know what we are doing, we don't have any personal issues, we aren't having a hard time, we have our lives together. Truth is, there are moments, days, even weeks we are struggling and to our breaking point and that is okay.
It's okay to not have everything together, to struggle and to break down. As a person who likes for people to think I have everything together, here is me at my most vunerable... I do not have my life together right now. My anxiety over takes me, my mind races more every second and my heart follows. There are days I feel like I can't even get out of bed or just interacting with someone is going to drain every ounce of energy that I have left. But, one day it will be better and until then I will take each day as it comes because that's all I can do right now. As the tears come- and they will, I will fight them back while at work or in public and take every deep breath I can find to make it out without crying and on my way out, when I can't make it to the car I will sneak into the bathroom, close the door, and let the tears flow because my energy is gone. My anxiety is maxed out and I have to take a minute. That is okay. I will sit in my car, lay my head on the steering wheel and breathe deeply to gather myself. That is okay.
   It is a bad day, a bad week, maybe even a bad month but it is NOT a bad life. God tells us that He will never give us more than we can handle and trust me, I do not always believe that especially now, but I know I can trust Him and over time I will be alright and know He has been with me through the lowest valleys. In these valleys I will praise Him, just as I do on the mountain tops. Praising Him through the highest and the lowest. Right now, I might be in the low valley but He deserves my praises in it all.
   Please know- THAT IT'S OKAY IF YOU AREN'T OKAY. I am always an open ear. I know that I could never be where I'm at if it weren't for the people that love me, care for me and listen to me. Whether they are there while I'm in my valleys or they are there to celebrate with me on the mountain tops, I couldn't be here without them. God has blessed me with them. I owe Him the glory and praise for them. Find your true people who listen and who celebrate.
   Next point- it's okay to not be where you thought you would be. This is a huge struggle of mine. In my mind I'm suppose to be at this certain point in life... I am no where close to that. That is okay. That is where I trust God, because He knows what this part of my life is. I want to be in control but I have to give it to God. Which is so tough but it will be what is best for me. So, if you're in this spot in your life where you're asking 'why am I not where I'm supposed to be' know that you are exactly where God wants you. He has written your story and knows what is next for you. That is where you have to trust him. That's where I HAVE TO TRUST HIM.
   I hope reading this post and getting to know me through this, let's you know that you aren't alone in your anxiety, you aren't alone in not being okay, you aren't alone in not being where you thought you would be. GOD is for you, I am for you, YOU SHOULD BE FOR YOU.

Until next time,

   Kelli- the one who locks herself in the bathroom at work, and praises God through the valleys

Self-love & Self-worth

To my guys & girls,

You have to learn to love yourself. it's not an easy thing to do but  it is one of the most important things. You can not love anyone like you should (& like they deserve) until you know how to love yourself. You are so important and you deserve love. Self love can be many forms- knowing you deserve it, working out, writing, taking a bath, watching your favorite movie, ect. Find something that works for you. Something that goes with self-love is self-worth. Know that you are worthy. Know that you are not alone in feeling like you are. These can be hard pills to swallow especially when you feel like you are the only one going through it. You. Aren't. I want you to know you are worthy and you deserve to be loved. These have been hard things to face for me, I often feel so unworthy and so unloved. Which are mountains that I am over coming, slowly but surely. Some days are tougher than others and I feel as if it's always a battle.
     Lately, while moving to a new city where I don't really know very many people and I am alone a lot of the time, almost like isolation; make it hard to climb the mountains that I face. Nonetheless I am taking it day by day and I will be just fine. I will overcome the lonely, it will get better. This will be home. These are the things I have found to help. Telling myself these things make everyday easier.
     Never forget that you can overcome your mountains and defeat your battles. You are not alone, you are loved, you are worth it. This is what I tell myself everyday. You should do the same. Try your hardest to love yourself and make it even when you don't think you can. Keep your head above the water.
     Also, (probably more unwanted advise) - find your people. The people who help you make it through. The people who are there to listen, laugh, love and support you. Find those people. Life is much sweeter with them. Your dark days are much brighter with them by your side. And you bright days are like the sun. Let them be the reason you overcome the mountains, trials, bad days and lonely feelings.
       You can do it. I believe in you. You aren't alone, nor am I. Bad days come, good days make it worth it. You are loved, as am I. Love yourself too. Know you are worthy of love, relationships, and acceptance. I am too.
     We will make it through together. You and I . I am here. You are there. We can do it.


Until next time.
   keep your head above the water and get over your most recent mountain.
Love you.
- The girl who's keeping her head up.