Defeated. That is the word that I have related to most the past 18 days, even more so the past 7 days.
When people have asked me how I am doing that is the word I think I should tell them but I reply with "I am doing okay" or "I am doing good" which is the biggest lie I think we as people say. The truth is I am feeling as if I am so far down I can not make my way up. I feel as if I am defeated and I do NOT know how to shake it.
2020 has been the hardest year yet... we are only 18 days in, that has to say something. This year has felt as if I have been in the ocean during the double red flags. You know, when the ocean is so rough you're not supposed to be in the water because you will most likely drown. That is how it is, I am drowning and I do not know how much longer I can stay up or keep kicking the bottom of the ocean to catch my next breath of air. The waves are way bigger than I am. My body has tried to keep fighting and my mind is telling every ounce of me to give in. So, now we are defeated and drowning. I know that is not the full truth and I have people that support me in all things but sometimes those people don't understand what it's like to feel these things in the mass feelings that I have.
Today, I got hit with another wave as I was in T.J.Maxx. I had to do everything I could to make it back to my car and drive home so I could just sit and reflect. I have reflected on being defeated and that is simply not how God intends me to be. He made me to praise Him always and that is what I plan to do. Even though I feel as if I can not keep going and staying afloat I will put my trust in The One who made me.
As I am in the car driving Elevation Worship's newest songs came on.
The first song had this verse:
"In the storm, You are peace
And Your love won't let me go
You have spoken
And I know that it is so
In every season
Your purpose is unchanging
In every moment
You're working for my good"
The second song had this verse:
"There's power in the mighty name of Jesus
Every war He wages He will win
I'm not backing down from any giant
'Cause I know how this story ends
Yes, I know how this story ends
I'm gonna see a victory
I'm gonna see a victory
For the battle belongs to You, Lord"
Those songs have been on repeat all day. They hit at just the right time.
Trials, battles, hardships, tough days (or in my case a tough 2020) will hit like the biggest wave or waves you can imagine. That does not mean you're defeated it just means that you (I) are down and can feel defeated as if there is nothing else that you can do but you (I) can rest and find peace in knowing that God is allowing you and I to go through these trials. Yes, we feel as if we are defeated so that we can rely on Him and He can show us that He is always there.
IF I will just give my battles to Him, He will fight them for me. I do believe that I will continue to feel defeated but it will have a better ending than I anticipated. I will continue to keep kicking off of the bottom of the ocean and gasping for my next breath but I will also know Christ is there with me and will not let me fail. He will bring beauty from my hardships and will teach me grace even more than I already know it.
But, as for now ya girl feels defeated and I could use your prayers and love. IF you feel this way please know you are not alone and have such a great purpose and I will listen to you, sit with you, walk with you. Whatever you need to feel as if you can keep kicking off of the bottom.
until next time,
the girl who feels defeated and is barely kicking the bottom.
